You know our struggle to serve you

When I started to write this blog, I made a conscious decision that I wasn’t going to make it too personal, too much about me and the various problems I might face. Consequently, there isn’t a great deal on here about my health. I have mentioned in a couple of posts that I have health issues, but have avoided dwelling on them too much.

And then we come across the Additional Collect for the Fourth Sunday of Lent, and the subject becomes pretty well unavoidable. I could have used the Collect for Mothering Sunday — for in the UK Mothering Sunday is always on the Fourth Sunday of Lent. But that would seem odd to people who read my blog from other parts of the world, there are a few. For some Mother’s Day is on May 11th this year. I didn’t feel that I could only use the Mothering Sunday Collect; but would, if using that, also have to use Fourth Sunday of Lent, or miss a week. I didn’t want to miss a week, and the thoughts that spring from this Collect revolve very much around my health.

The length of this introductory piece is probably a good indication that I’m really not sure about this — I write the blog very much as I think, and try not to edit too much. So the burning question now is, is there any more text following the Collect, or will I actually avoid the subject altogether? If there is, it could well be the longest post on the blog so far!

Merciful Lord,
you know our struggle to serve you:
when sin spoils our lives
and overshadows our hearts,
come to our aid
and turn us back to you again;
through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Additional Collect for the Fourth Sunday of Lent
is Copyright © The Archbishops Council

I’ve been busy this week preparing the next quarter’s Liturgical Rota for our Church. There are seventeen people named as having duties on it, all with differing roles from Parish Priest to Chalice Administrant. And there are just about eighty different services in the three months from the main Sunday morning Sung Eucharist to Holy Communion in the residential homes in the town, and lots in between. It’s a bit like doing a giant Sudoku puzzle; but with all the elements having differing rules. I really do quite enjoy doing them.

But what has all that got to do with the subject I still seem to be trying to avoid writing about, my health? I’ve been in a very bad spot with an ongoing heart problem I have. It has changed, and seems to be taking forever just to establish what the change might be, let alone actually doing something about it.

It’s always been a bit unpredictable, and it has always been understood that I may have to drop out of any duties in church at the last minute. But things were working well. I could preach several times a quarter, and lead evensong on a reasonably regular basis.

But towards the end of last year things began to get increasingly difficult. To the point where from the middle of October I haven’t done anything in church at all. I’ve hardly even managed to get there to just sit in the congregation. And in fact, I’m not actually getting out of the house much.

People from Church have been wonderful. I’ve had regular visits, and been able to receive Communion at home most weeks. No complaints on that score at all.

When I prepared the current quarter’s rota, I left myself off completely. I thought it would take the pressure off me a little by giving that space. And I also fully expected to be able to add myself to the rota I’m currently preparing. And I have pencilled myself in for some dates. But after the last couple of days, I think it’s just a pipe-dream. I don’t really think it’s going to happen.

I want, so very much, to be able to lead Evensong on the 27th April. Two months away. I’ll be celebrating ten years as a Licensed Reader on the 25th April. But I have no confidence at all that it might be possible. I’m sure there are other ways I can serve God. But Evensong has always been, for me, the pinnacle of my vocational calling — even more so than preaching at the main Sung Eucharist.

Please pray for me: that I might be enabled to serve God in some way; and that I will accept it, even if it’s in a different way. Thank you.