Abide With Me

Abide With Me

I mentioned in a comment on August 5th that my brother-in-law had died, and that I was having trouble finding the words to use for a post about his death. Now is, I think, the time to put that right.

James died on July 30th; he was 43 years old. He’d been very ill for a long while, never really regaining his health after being seriously injured in a motorbike accident some two years ago. In that, he broke his back and was permanently paralysed. After a very long stay in hospital he did have a few months where he was able to get around a bit in a wheelchair, and for a while we thought he would be okay, though obviously very limited. But gradually complications began to take a hold of him, and his health deteriorated. He spent the last six or so months of his life in the Sue Ryder Care home, in the Old Palace, Ely. We knew four months ago that he wasn’t going to be recovering, and had just been helplessly watching him deteriorate in front of us. They were extremely good at Sue Ryder, and kept him as comfortable as possible; but sometimes he was in a lot of pain. Although he was, thankfully, peaceful at the end.

James was a great guy, but a bit of rogue too. He had a wicked sense of humour. He was quite a spiritual person, and we often used to have some really quite deep discussions about God, Christ, faith, and the Church. But, along with many people, he never found a way to express that spirituality through organised religion. He was grateful for visits from a couple of Priests in the last weeks of his life. I’m quite sure that, despite all the difficulties in his life, he had made his peace with God at the end of it.

The funeral took place yesterday, August 12th. It was a good funeral, as far as funerals go. There were a lot of people there, and the Church was quite full. Lots of his friends and family were able to be there. Richard, a fellow Reader, who led the service, managed to get the balance of the funeral just right.

One of the difficulties we had when organising the funeral was choosing hymns. We knew that a large majority of those present would not be Churchgoers or familiar with hymns. So we decided in the end to go with some very traditional ones, that people may have at least heard. I think, on the whole, it was a good choice.

We started with “Abide With Me”, then “The Old Rugged Cross” (used at both his parent’s funerals), and finished with “Dear Lord and Father of Mankind”.

It’s a shame, in some ways, that the hymn, “Abide with me”, has become so synonymous with funerals. Because it means we rarely sing it at other times. It is, though, something of a favourite of mine. I really like the words, and the traditional tune, and find it a very comforting hymn. Here are the words:

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide:
the darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide:
when other helpers fail, and comforts flee,
help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
change and decay in all around I see:
O thou who changest not, abide with me.

I need thy presence every passing hour;
what but thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe with thee at hand to bless;
ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if thou abide with me.

Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes;
shine through the gloom, and point me to the skies;
heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
in life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Words: Henry Francis Lyte (1793-1847)

I want to finish this post with a Navaho prayer — it says something that I think James would want his family and friends to listen to:

Grieve for me, for I would grieve for you.
Then brush away the sorrow and the tears
Life is not over, but begins anew,
with courage you must greet the coming years.
To live forever in the past is wrong;
can only cause you misery and pain.
Dwell not on memories overlong,
with others you must share and care again.
Reach out and comfort those who comfort you;
recall the years, but only for a while.
Nurse not your loneliness; but live again.
Forget not. Remember with a smile.

May God bless you my friend.