Separating Self-Worth and Behaviour

Separating Self-Worth and Behaviour

This is another one of those posts from Lou Tice at the Winners Circle that really resonated with me — as most of them do. In this one Lou reminds us that we are more than what we do. And I think it’s an important thing for us all to take on board.

Whether you are raising kids or trying to improve your own self-esteem, the relationship between who you are and what you do is important. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, or simply trying to build your own self-esteem, it is important to realize that we need to separate our sense of self-worth from our behavior.

Imagine this scene: A three-year-old asks repeatedly, “Mama, do you love me?” Each time, Mom answers, “Of course I do.” Then the child takes her hand and leads her to a broken flowerpot or shattered toy and looks at her questioningly.

Here is a little child, on this earth only three short years, already asking one of the most profound psychological questions any of us can ask: “Is my ability to be loved tied to what I do? Am I the same as my behavior?” The answer for all of us, no matter how old we are, should be the same, “No, indeed!”

The importance of this point can’t be overemphasized. To increase self-worth, it is vital that we respond to behavior while remaining friendly and respectful toward the person. This means that when a child misbehaves, we don’t call him a “bad boy.” And when a child does what we want her to, we don’t say, “What a good girl!” Instead, we praise the behavior and hug the child.

The same goes for how we treat ourselves. Remember that you are not simply what you do any more than you are what you wear.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

When I first had to stop working because of my health, this was something I struggled with quite a lot, and probably still struggle with a bit. Not that I was ever in a particularly high flying job, my last job would have been considered my many to be anything but that. But, I was a working man, and that was something I valued a great deal, too much perhaps. When I lost that as even a possibility, I lost my self-worth too. There was still a lot of true value in my life that didn’t rely on me working, but the not working part was the part I judged myself by.

In the years since then I have come to recognize that those feelings were really very wrong, and damaging to my already difficult health. But it’s a constant battle to keep those thoughts at bay. If I’m not careful my thought-patterns can sometimes slip back into that, “I’m not working means I have no value”, way of thinking. I have to keep reminding myself of the many good things there are about my life — a few of which are: my family, who all make me so proud; my prayer life, which is probably all the richer because my poor health gives me time; my Church ministry, which we’re making work despite my health; this blog, which although not read by thousands of people, is, judging from comments I’ve received, valued by those who do read it, for which I’m very grateful.

Lou always gets me thinking when I read the daily emails from the Winners Circle. I think I often go off at a tangent, but that doesn’t matter, it’s the thinking about issues that helps me. If you think you might be helped by the same daily emails, do please consider subscribing yourself to the Winners Circle.