Grew closer to you in the desert

Have you ever spent time in the desert? The closest I’ve come to spending time in a physical desert, is when we’ve had occasional water shortages here in England — which are as nothing in comparison to many parts of the world. And neither have I spent time in a physical wilderness. I usually think of the Biblical wilderness as being desert. So the two words, ‘desert’ and ‘wilderness’, have become more-or-less synonymous for me.

There are two particular blogs that I read, both of who’s authors have commented on here occasionally, who’s authors are obviously more familiar with the physical desert and physical wilderness than I am: ‘Winona’s Wanderings and Wonderings’ (the everchanging desert is the home of my heart, my wanderings always return to it) and ‘Read. Hear. See. Feel.’ (Ruth in the desert).

I’m sure, by now, you’ll have picked up my references to a ‘physical’ desert and ‘physical’ wilderness. I can’t tell you what it’s like to spend time in such a place, unlike Winona and Ruth. But I have had experience of being in a spiritual and emotional wilderness — and can tell you that it isn’t a good place to be.

Some years ago I went through a very deep depression. It was a combination of adjusting to some pretty major and life-changing health issues, and some rare side-effects from tablets being taken. And I go through life now never feeling more than one or two steps away from that pit; especially when I go through one of the all too frequent bad patches.

When I was at my worst, I felt anything but ‘closer’ to God. The overwhelming feeling was one of rejection, that I was unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. But those feelings were coming from the illness, and the medication.

Having come through that time though, I realized that what I had known on an intellectual level about how much God loved me, loves each of us, I now knew in my heart, with my spirit, the absolute certainty of God’s immense love for each and every one of us. It was a different way of knowing. It was an immeasurably closer feeling.

God can, and does, use the bad things that happen to us and bring good from them. I wouldn’t recommend the desert I found myself in as a way of growing; but I can certainly understand the sentiment in this Collect for The First Sunday of Lent. We can grow closer to God in the desert, just as Jesus did.

Heavenly Father,
your Son battled with the powers of darkness,
and grew closer to you in the desert:
help us to use these days to grow in wisdom and prayer
that we may witness to your saving love
in Jesus Christ our Lord.

Additional Collect for The First Sunday of Lent
is Copyright © The Archbishops Council