The Bedroom

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, “When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!”

“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.

“I send him to MY room!”

Sunday School Picnic

On Monday the minister’s little daughter was very naughty, so her mother told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School picnic on Saturday.

For the next few days the girl’s behaved so nicely the mother changed her mind and said she could go to the picnic after all. Surprisingly, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“What’s the matter?” asked her mother. “I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.”

“It’s too late,” said the little girl. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”

Getting Into Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven. He is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday.”

“That’s good,” says Saint Peter, “that’s worth two points.”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church.”

“Let’s see,” answers Saint Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?”

“Only two points? How about this: I started a soup kitchen and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point”, he says.

“Hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says Saint Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I will get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

It’s Christmas

The manager of the seaside hotel was delighted. Every year he welcomed the chess tournament and Christmas party for the region. But not only did he make sure the great hall was well arranged for the tournament games, and that the dining room was well decked for the feasting, he paid just as much attention to the wonderfully spacious lobby. There were areas where large and small groups could gather, from decent circles of chairs round coffee tables, to small intimate armchairs in twos and threes. The great central area of the foyer was kept open for larger gatherings.

Warmed by drink, and enthused by the games, the tournament goers made full use of the magnificent lobby. In the central area, around the coffee tables, and in the quiet armchair corners they gathered and reminisced about games they had played and won. Naturally the quality of their own game play grew in the telling. The remarkable skill by which they had outwitted their opponents became more remarkable with each glass of mulled wine. The strength of the opposition that they had nonetheless overcome was, sad to say, somewhat exaggerated. Their pawns had demonstrated the strength of queens.

The manager surveyed this benign yet prideful pandemonium in his lobby, and turning to the receptionist said, “I always feel it’s really Christmas when this conference starts. Nothing says Christmas to me like the sight and sound of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A Little Mouse At The Pearly Gates

A little mouse died and went to the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter met him and invited him to come in. But the mouse told him he wanted to look around first. Saint Peter said that was okay with him.

After looking around the mouse approached Saint Peter and told him he would like to stay but it is too big there and he would get tired running around all day.

Saint Peter thought for awhile and said he had just the thing for him, a pair of roller skates so the mouse decided to stay.

Soon a cat died and went to the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter met him and invited him in also, but the cat wanted to look around too.

After spotting the mouse on roller skates the cat said, “Boy oh boy, you have meals on wheels, I will stay.”

Write it down

An 80-year-old couple were worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn’t forget.

Several days later, the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, “Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you’re up.”

“Okay,” he said.

“…and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries, too,” she added. “You’d better write all this down.”

“I won’t forget!” he said.

Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. “Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you’d forget.”

“What did I forget?” he asked.

She replied, “My toast!”

The Lonely Diner

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Okay, so where’s the kind word?”

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”

A Preacher Tells a Joke

A preacher, who shall we say was “humour impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” – The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humour thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman who was not my wife!”

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost ten seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

Jonah and the Whale

One day a primary school teacher was talking about Jonah and the whale. He said that it was impossible that a whale had swallowed Jonah as the whale’s throat was simply not big enough.

A young girl disagreed with him saying that the Bible said it had happened so it must be possible.

The discussion went on and both the child and teacher were insistent that they were right.

Finally the girl said that when she got to heaven she would ask Jonah.

The teacher replied, ‘but what if Jonah is not in heaven, but is in hell?’

Immediately the girl replied, ‘In that case you ask him!’

Solitary Confinement

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”

They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it.”

They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”