Getting Into Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven. He is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday.”

“That’s good,” says Saint Peter, “that’s worth two points.”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church.”

“Let’s see,” answers Saint Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?”

“Only two points? How about this: I started a soup kitchen and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point”, he says.

“Hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says Saint Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I will get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

Safe in Heaven

Barbara was driving her six-year-old son, Benjamin, to his piano lesson.

They were late, and Barbara was beginning to think she should have cancelled it. There was always so much to do, and Barbara, a night-duty nurse at the local hospital, had recently worked extra shifts.

She was tired. The sleet storm and icy roads added to her tension. Maybe she should turn the car around.

“Mum!” Ben cried. “Look!” Just ahead, a car had lost control on a patch of ice. As Barbara tapped the brakes, the other car spun wildly rolled over, then crashed sideways into a telephone pole.

Barbara pulled over, skidded to a stop and threw open her door. Thank goodness she was a nurse — she might be able to help these unfortunate passengers.

Then she paused. What about Ben? She couldn’t take him with her. Little boys shouldn’t see scenes like the one she anticipated. But was it safe to leave him alone? What if their car were hit from behind?

For a brief moment Barbara considered going on her way. Someone else was sure to come along. No! “Ben, honey, promise me you’ll stay in the car!”

“I will, Mummy,” he said as she ran, slipping and sliding toward the crash site. It was worse than she’d feared. Two teenage girls are in the car. One, the blonde on the passenger side, was dead, killed on impact.

The driver, however was still breathing. She was unconscious and pinned in the wreckage. Barbara quickly applied pressure to the wound in the teenager’s head while her practised eye catalogued the other injuries. A broken leg, maybe two, along with probable internal bleeding. But if help came soon, the girl would live.

A lorry driver had pulled up and was calling for help on his mobile phone. Soon Barbara heard the ambulance sirens. A few moments later she surrendered her lonely post to rescue workers.

“Good job,” one said as he examined the driver’s wounds. “You probably saved her life, ma’am.” Perhaps.

But as Barbara walked back to her car a feeling of sadness overwhelmed her, especially for the family of the girl who had died. Their lives would never be the same. Oh God, why do such things have to happen?

Slowly Barbara opened her car door. What should she tell Benjamin? He was staring at the crash site, his blue eyes huge. “Mum,” he whispered, “did you see it?”

“See what, Honey?” she asked.

“The angel, Mum! He came down from the sky while you were running to the car. And he opened the door, and he took that girl out.”

Barbara’s eyes filled with tears. “Which door, Ben?”

“The passenger side. He took the girl’s hand, and they floated up to heaven together”

“What about the driver?”

Ben shrugged. “I didn’t see anyone else.”

Later, Barbara was able to meet the families of the victims. They expressed their gratitude for the help she had provided. Barbara was able to give them something more — Ben’s vision.

There was no way he could have known what happened to either of the passengers. Nor could the passenger door have been opened; Barbara had seen its tangle of immovable steel herself. Yet Ben’s account brought consolation to a grieving family. Their daughter was safe in heaven. And they would see her again.

How to get to Heaven

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class. “NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

Ducks in Heaven

Ben, Pete and Nick went to a car race one day. Unfortunately, a race car crashed through the fence into the spectators and they were killed.

Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, “Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I’m sure you’ll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you’ll be punished.

One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on.”

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Ben stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.

Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. “I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you’d be punished.” He chained the homely woman to Ben and said, “You will be together forever,” and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Pete accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on.

Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. “I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you’d be punished.” With that, he chained the woman to Pete and said, “The two of you will be together for all eternity,” and walked away.

Well, Nick was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Nick and said, “You will be together now and forever more,” and walked away.

Nick exclaimed, “Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

“I don’t know about you,” said the beautiful woman, “but I stepped on a duck…”

The Rich Man

There was a very rich man who was just about to die and he wanted to take some of his wealth with him. So he started negotiations with God about the matter. God was not sure as it had never been done before and he did not want to set a precedence. Finally after long talks God reluctantly agreed to allow him to bring his wealth to heaven.

Just a few days before he died the rich man converted all his money into gold bullion. He died and the funeral home made sure that the suitcases containing the gold bullion went with him. He arrived at the Pearly Gates with his suitcases and there was Peter. Peter told him he could not bring the suitcases into heaven. But the man said he had already spoken to God and he had said it was OK. So Peter got on the God phone and sure enough it was true. So Peter was curious as to what was so valuable that the man wanted to bring it into heaven. Peter said, “Could I look in the suitcases?”

So the man opened the suitcases and Peter exclaimed, “You brought paving stones to heaven!”

On the Campaign Trail

While walking down the street one day a “Member of Parliament” is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St Peter, ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises…

The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning…Today you voted.’