The Parrot and the Chicken

So there’s this Rector who was given a parrot by an old farmer. The trouble was the parrot swore. The rector was fairly easy going but this parrot swore like a sailor, he could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The Rector thought this is not quite the example that should be being set and in any case this bird’s foul mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it got to be too much, so he grabbed the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “STOP IT!” But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

To keep it quiet and trying to teach it a lesson the Rector shut the bird in a kitchen cupboard. This again had the opposite effect and really aggravated the bird. He clawed and scratched, finally biting a hole throughthe cupboard door and the bird poked its head through and let out a stream of vulgarities worse than ever.

Just so embarrassed the Rector grabbed the bird and threw it into his freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird thumping and thrashing. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet.

At first the Rector just waits, but then Christian Charity overcomes him as he thinks the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

There was the parrot calmly sitting there. Without a murmur it climbs onto the Rector’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The Rector was astounded. He couldn’t understand the transformation that had come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, could you tell me what did the chicken do wrong?”

The Truths of Christmas

What is at the heart of Christmas? For three wealthy sons it was giving Christmas presents.

One year the first gave their elderly mother a new house.

The second gave a new car.

But, when asked, the third said, “you know mother likes reading the Bible, but now can’t see very well. So I’ve found her a parrot that recites Bible passages. He’s been amazingly trained.”

After Christmas the old lady wrote “thank you” letters.

To the first son she wrote: “Thank you so much for the house. Sadly it is rather too large. I much prefer my small flat.”

To the second she wrote: “Thank you so much for the car. Sadly my failing eyesight means I can no longer drive.”

But to the third she wrote as follows: “Dear Donald, You have the good sense to know exactly what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

A pious Christian bought a parrot. When he brought it home the good man was horrified to hear the parrot say, “Hiya boys — my name’s Mimi . . . I’m a bad girl. Come upstairs and have some fun!” At this moment the parish priest arrived, and to the parishioners horror, the bird repeated the same words, “Hiya boys — my name’s Mimi . . . I’m a bad girl. Come upstairs and have some fun!”

Noting the man’s dismay, the Priest said, “Don’t worry, bring the bird round to the vicarage. I have two good Christian birds there who do nothing but recite the Rosary together. They will surely bring your sinful parrot back to God.”

The parrot was duly brought to the Priest’s house and there, sure enough, were two parrots in a cage reciting the Rosary. The wicked parrot was set down beside them, and to begin with the other birds took no notice. Then the new arrival cocked its head on one side, and said, “Hiya boys — my name’s Mimi . . . I’m a bad girl. Come upstairs and have some fun!”

“Throw your beads away George,” said one of the vicarage birds to the other. “Our prayers are answered.”