The If Only Syndrome

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Here is another one of those thought-provoking and, I hope, helpful posts from Lou Tice at the Winners Circle. In this one, Lou talks about the “if only” syndrome that so many people experience in some way or another — I can certainly think of times, too many of them, when I’ve found myself saying, “if only …”.

Have you ever heard of the “if only” syndrome? Today, I’ll tell you what it is and how to avoid it.

Do you know anyone with the “if only” syndrome? Maybe you have a touch of it yourself. People with this syndrome blame others for their disappointments and failures. They blame their families (“Nobody could succeed with the parents I have”); their friends (“If only my so-called friends would come through for me once in a while”); their circumstances (“It’s obvious that the deck is stacked against me”); and their complaints frequently start with the words “if only.” “If only I had more money. If only I had paid more attention in school. If only I was better looking, a different race, a different age,” and so on.

They stumble through life feeling anxious or depressed, dreaming of unlikely events that will transform them magically, through little or no effort of their own. And because they envy others, it’s hard for them to feel any genuine pleasure in anyone else’s successes.

But the cure for the “if only” syndrome is to take responsibility for your own life once and for all. Give up blame and learn to hope. Give up faultfinding and learn to set achievable goals. Give up thinking about what you would do if you won the lottery and figure out what you can do with the 50 dollars you have instead.

By the way, the magic of taking responsibility for your failures is that when you do, you also take control of your success.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

When I first left school I made some ill-advised choices as far as employment was concerned. I’d managed to secure an offer of employment and training from three different companies — those were the days. Two of them were formal electronics technician apprenticeships, and the third was going to be on-the-job training with a view to moving into research, development, and design electronics. The salary offered for all was pretty much the same. I followed my dream, and went for the third; which turned into a whole lot of empty promises.

For quite a long time, many years, I had a severe case of “if only” syndrome — “if only I’d had better advice”; “if only I’d chosen either of the other jobs”; etc etc. Then, one day, I realised what I was doing: by harping back to those early choices, I was devaluing what I had in my life. I’d met and married a wonderful lady. We had two great daughters, who grew into two super adults. Work was very different to my dream job, but was, nevertheless, pretty good. I realized that, if I’d taken one of the other jobs, my life would have been very different — I’d actually met my wife through the job I was doing. And I realized, too, that I was very happy and content with life.

My past, the life I’d lived and the choices I’d made, had formed me into the person I was. And I was happy and content with who I was. So the regrets I had about those early choices disappeared. I still look back occasionally and wonder what might have been, but with curiosity, not regret.

I do catch myself with a bit of “if only” syndrome every now and then; but these days it’s usually about my health. And, as I’ve talked about on here before, I do have some self-esteem issues. But, you know, when I think about things logically, there’s no real need for any of it. My life is pretty good, and I am content.

So, when I sit and think about things properly, I happily take responsibility for my life, as Lou suggests, and am content. Now, “if only” I could remember to do that all of the time!

Another thought-provoking and helpful email from Lou Tice. If you think you might be helped by the same daily emails, do please consider subscribing yourself to the Winners Circle.