Another one from The Winners Circle. This arrived last week; and, again, got my brain working overtime.
So often, in our society, we see people criticising others in incredibly negative ways. And then, sadly, expecting it to make a difference and bring about the change they want, and expect the other person to make. In this piece, Lou Tice makes a good case for ensuring criticism is always given in a constructive manner.
Types of Criticism
How do you like being criticized? Does it make you feel like changing to accommodate your critic?
Negative criticism is almost always a mistake. I don’t know anyone who likes it, do you? It brings you down, makes you feel angry and resentful, and it hardly ever makes you want to change, does it?
Constructive feedback is a horse of a different colour. There’s no sting in it, because it is not about your deficient character and it doesn’t come at you like an attack. It is designed to give you valuable information and it assumes you care about doing well.
So what is the difference between constructive feedback and criticism? Well, it’s the difference between saying, “You never help around the house because you’re a slob and you just don’t care,” and saying, “When you forget to help with the housework, I feel overworked and taken for granted.”
Can you see the difference? The first statement attacks character and sounds like it’s coming from a victim. The second states the facts and shares information about feelings without making the other person a villain. All that it takes to become an expert in constructive feedback is practice and a willingness to give up judgement and blame.
It also helps to remember what your goal is. If you want more conflict, go ahead and blame. But if you want positive action, learn to give constructive feedback instead.
Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute
One of the things I learned when I was writing occasional short stories as part of a group, is that even negative things can be said in a constructive manner. It doesn’t have to attack the person. And it becomes much easier to swallow if there is something positive alongside it.
I’m not perfect, not by a long way, but I do try to remember to find something positive to say alongside the less positive. And would rather keep quiet than attack someone on a personal level.
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About Paul Sibley
Andrew Gosden (now 19) has been missing from his Doncaster home since 14 September 2007. The search continues.
Georgiana on 
Timely words and so true. When I was in nursing school eons ago one of the first things we were taught was how to communicate without threatning or demeaning words. Those lesssons were good ones, yet sometimes I find myself forgetting to speak with facts and and truth.
I have a very dear friend the same age as I am. She looks fabulous, but works like a dog to maintain a fat free body, wrinkle free skin and to always look classy. She has no problems eating only healthy foods and drinking only water.
On the other hand, I love food. Can’t tolerate the taste of unadorned water. I can’t exercise because of a health condition. My friend simply can’t understand why it is so difficult for me to look like her. Her well meant words often have a negative impact. I would love to look like her.
Despite the differences our friendship is still strong after more than 38 years.
Think before speaking, especially if the words may hurt . . . The Winner’s Circle is something I will check out.
Wish you were still writing stories, Paul. The talent is there.
Winona
Thank you Winona.
I think expecting others to live up to our own expectations of ourselves can be a real problem sometimes. The way it is with your friend is one classic example. But there are other ways too, such as: when someone would be sly or dishonest in a situation, they may expect you to be the same, and treat you accordingly. One of the less savoury things I say to myself about other people is, don’t judge me by your own standards — and in doing so I am, of course, judging them. It’s one of those things I’ll say under my breath when annoyed by something that’s happened. Very rarely do I actually say it to someone else.
It’s a special friendship that can last so long, despite the differences.
I’m learning a great deal from writing this blog; and one day, I will pluck up the courage to try fiction writing again — not quite there yet.