This is another one of those posts from Lou Tice at the Winners Circle that has really got be thinking. This time Lou talks about that most taboo of subjects, death; and particularly, talking to people who have lost someone.
What do you say to a friend who has had a death in the family? I suppose this may seem an odd choice for a daily e-mail message, but it is something that affects us all at one time or another. As I write this, I feel confident that many of you reading this have recently dealt with this very situation.
Many people feel bewildered when it comes to the etiquette of death. Because they don’t know what to say or do, they don’t do anything. But even discomfort and ignorance are not good reasons for ignoring friends or acquaintances at this difficult time.
Flowers and notes cannot be sent too soon, and commercial sympathy cards are fine if you add a personal note. If you are puzzled about what to say, look through the cards and find two with messages you like. Buy one card, and write the message from the other inside. Better yet, just look into your heart and write the words and feelings you find there.
At the funeral or memorial service, take your behaviour cues from the family. Refrain from suggesting that the deceased is better off, and refrain from imposing your religious beliefs on the mourners. Remember, grieving is a process that takes time, and bereaved parents or spouses may not be able to respond to your sympathy at first.
Follow up on your card or note with a phone call, another note, or social invitation in a few weeks or months. And no matter how awkward you may feel, how distant the relative or casual friend, death should never be ignored.
Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute
I don’t think we talk about death enough, particularly here in the UK. Even amongst Church congregations it seems to be a taboo subject. I suspect that one of the main reasons behind that is that when we talk about dying, we remind ourselves that we are mortal. But I know from personal experience how important it is to have communicated what you would like done to your mortal remains in some way. We always want to do what is right for the person who has died, yet rarely has that been discussed.
But Lou talks about how to speak with those left behind, those having to make the difficult decisions about what to do. I’m sure most of us have heard of, and many experienced for ourselves, the pain when friends don’t talk at that time of need, or worse still, avoid any contact with those in need completely.
I think Lou is right in what he says in this post, and gives some really good advice. But I tend to also think there’s something we can do that’s even more important than worrying about exactly what to say at these times; and that is to just be there. The hand on the shoulder and the love in the heart are more important than the words on the lips. And, in that, sadly, I speak from experience.
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Very true; we don’t know what to say, so we don’t say anything, and the grieving person thinks we don’t care.
And can quickly find themselves alone, because none of their friends know what to say; but think other friends will so leave it to them.
Thanks Ruth.
To a certain degree it is possible to distinguish between Christians and non-Christians when it comes to finding the right words and the right response when we are confronted with death. I say this knowing that it is of course impossible to make a sharp distinction between Cchristians on the one hand and non-Christians on the other hand, but still:
For real non-Christians the death of a person actually means the absolute end of that person’s existence without any hope of his or her return to life and return to his or her relatives and loved ones. No wonder that non- Christians have nothing to say when confronted with such a hopeless catastrophe.
Christians who believe that the Bible is God’s word and that the Christian Church tells them the truth of the real nature of death may be convinced that the deceased person is only asleep (as the Bible puts it), that God may give him or her a resurrction in the same way He gave His son a resurrection , and that in the Kingdom of God which will be established after the return to earth of Jesus Christ, Christians will see each other again and live together in absolute happiness for ever and ever.
Knowing these truths Christians will in most cases find the right words and the right response to really comfort other Christians who have lost a loved one.
Hi Willem, thank you for your thoughtful comments, and a warm welcome to the blog.
I think you’re right, and it is mostly easier for Christians to comfort other Christians who have lost a loved one, because of their shared beliefs. But, as you say, we can’t really make that distinction, especially of the recently deceased. We can’t know what was in the heart and mind of the dying person in those last moments, they could have turned their life around completely. I believe God will keep trying to get through, with everyone, right up to the moment of death, and even possibly beyond.
I’m not quite a universalist, because I think we can choose not to be with our Father in heaven — free will is important. But I believe that somehow we are presented with the options in a way that is appropriate to each person, so that the choice is an informed one. I have no idea how it might happen; but I believe the God that loves each of us enough to sacrifice his Son — himself — on the cross, will find a way. I wonder if that’s a bit heretical?
Even with my beliefs as they are, though, I still find it hard to know what to say to the recently bereaved. But saying nothing isn’t necessarily wrong, as long as you’re there.